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Falling all the way down

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where Ive never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

~The Pogues

Eighteen years is a long, long time, more so when it counts for a full half of your life.

I can't say I would have given up, but that was the idea I was rolling around in my hand, between the everything with K, and the god awful train wreck of D, I just didn't have the heart to keep my head up anymore.

It was just hope against hope that had me on those last few steps. Maybe M would have been something, maybe not, I was curious, but my instincts\heart were pretty quiet on the whole subject. Put a few things in the right light and it was time to call it a night and walk on. Too old and tired to waste time on something that never was or would ever be.

Then this odd moment of serendipity as I type the words that I am done, My lady Karma steps in that very moment and shows me something.

That something turns out to be my everything, as much as I tend to put thoughts to words, I have none for her, she is nothing more and nothing less than my everything.

This is pure and utter free fall, there is no reason, no logic, no reference point to cling to, no words (even for me) to use to paint this into something that could be recognized by anyone but us.

I have always believed in the myths and the fairy tales that sung of love. It has always been the one of the three guiding passions of my life, my own personal holy grail. After so long I had all but given up hope, for what ever reason it was not mine to win.

So be it, there are worse things in life than being alone, and then I blinked and I was falling so very fast.


She is beautiful and so strong, she has a greater endurance than I, suffered at the very least as much as I ever have, but it has not broken her or jaded her heart.
She gave everything of herself and paid in full for it, and still her smile is warm and full of joy. No bitterness or malice or shadow of self doubt graces her eyes.

She has no need of my sword n shield, no dragons to slay for her, she wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my chest and I was laid open to my very core.

In less time than it takes to draw a breath she became my everything. She needs nothing of a hero and without the war, the fire, and the chaos I am stripped to the bone, and I am undone and disarmed before her.



There is no choice now for me, all I can do is fall all the way down, and just maybe the last of the lost boys has come home to stay.

Ghost

Clarity

So a month passes and your view of your own personal reality changes, things that you thought were real and utterly important turn out to be lies and trivial to the point of outright silliness.






Meeting D really opened my eyes to what I had been missing in the last few years, and now I see that it wasn't damage or the fear of falling in love that kept me from falling in love with K, she never let her guard down, so I never felt safe enough to fall for her.

With D, well she is incredibly open, affectionate.
Granted we have had the growing pains of any couple where one of the two is a little gun shy or twitchy, but I take full blame for that. Maybe of couple of points of contention, but I think in the long run they will just make us stronger, we are both pretty stubborn, so I might have to be careful not dig my heels in too deep and ruin it.

For once I am not worried about the future or even thinking about it, what will be will be. However it does make me think twice about going out west for six months, yeah the 50k plus would be pretty helpful for getting my house off the ground in the next year or two, but I don't know if I could be away that long.

For the moment I don't think I have enough information on either choice to make a choice at this moment in time. The idea of no mortgage payments for the rest of my life and building the house cash out of pocket would pretty amazing.

So I should wrap this up, go apologize and maybe explain that I have a hard time backing down from anything that even looks like a fight, never mind saying sorry for the little things.



Post Note:

Crash and burn 5 days later, almost made it to 5 weeks.


Ghost.

I wonder

You're beautiful you're beautiful
You're beautiful, it's true
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you
But it's time to face the truth
I will never be with you

I wonder if she knows that I still remember the very first moment I ever laid eyes on her?

December 15th 2001.
One of those dark gray early winter days, I was heading down to visit my parents.

I walked into the store where she was working, she was standing behind the cash.
I remember buying one of those strawberry kiwi juices that I love, just so I could see her up close.
She was tall and thin, the uniform didn't do her any justice, but I liked the blond hair cut short and the line of her mouth. Her cheek bones and then it was her eyes that took it all the way home for me.

I remember the look on her face when she handed me my change and saw the half smile on my face and me staring at her.
I knew I wanted this girl in my life, I knew we would meet again.

Our first date we went to see the Lord of the Rings, I picked her up at her house, she was so cute and nervous it was coming off her in waves.

I think we were a little late, so I wasn't being reckless, but I think she thought I was showing off for her by speeding.
We didn't hold hands that night, and I think we might have gone for coffee afterwards and talked about this and that.
I still have the movie stub.

I remember taking her home after and meeting her family. Watching her dog Brandy do her tricks and tear around like a little puppy. Her Dad watching Tv in the living room and her mom talking to us in the kitchen.

When I was getting ready to leave I remember shaking her hand instead of giving her a hug or kissing her which is what I wanted to do.

Standing in her parents house with her family all around us, I think I just went blank in the head and the hand shot out by reflex all on its own, "good luck in school" is what I mumbled.

How lucky am I that she agreed to see me again after that?

I remember her teasing me about that, it's still pretty funny seven years later when I think about it.

I have to wonder if this is the story we will tell our grandkids or if it will just be something I wrote on a blog once?


I look back now and regret every day that has passed when I didn't tell how beautiful she was to me from the very first moment I saw her.

Ghost

Swing away

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

Almost a full year and not one word written, nor any real desire to do so.

Life has gone on, day in and day out as life tends to do.

Lots of good things and no real drama, which tends to make me quite happy or at the very least less guilty.

The journey I had envisioned never spread it's wings, but looking back I feel this was for the best, but who can ever say for sure?

I am not really interested in sitting down and typing out all the details of the last eleven months, not that they are not interesting or important.


So what is new in this life of mine, well a long term focus on where I want to be over the next few years, which is a first for me.

An overwhelming desire to build a simple life surrounded by the things that bring me the deepest sense of peace.

To stand on my own soil, to build a solid house with my own two hands, to build a new life and to use everything I have learned to secure a future, not only for myself but for my family as well.

I have been working harder than I ever have before and I think this is only the very beginning on a very long road, but it really doesn't seem that long at all. Even when terms of years it is quite a few, but I see it in my mind and it will be so.

What other choice will I have?

I guess I finally came to terms in a way with the fact that I can not do this alone, and once I stopped pushing people away I began to see that I was surrounded by people with bonds to me set in stone.

It is almost startling to be able to meet my own gaze in the mirror, maybe for the first time ever, not really something I think about very much.

I put aside a lot of things over the last year, and the last month has been nothing more than the very first step on a long road to home.

I can't apologize for the way I am, all I can do is admit the truth and keep moving, in a way I wish I was different, but I lived my life for others for far too long.

I am sorry for all those that loved me and I could not love back, that part of me was broken and it took a very long time for me to admit that. I no longer worry that it will heal.

It just is.

Maybe in another year I will take the time to talk about land with thick wild woods, about a small warm wooden house, or using my talents to become a master craftsmen and take my place as the tie that binds us together.

I have all these odd little gifts in one form or another, might as well put em to good use and take care of my family, they have a lot to teach me now that I am ready to listen.

Who knows I might even have a thing or two to say after all these years?


Ghost.

Zen

The ultimate Truth is beyond words. Doctrines are words. They’re not the Way. The Way is wordless. Words are illusions. They’re no different from things that appear in your dreams at night, be they palaces or carriages, forested parks or lakeside pavilions.

- Bodhidharma (d. 533)

Well a full month has past and with the exception of two exceptionally bad posts that were written in a poor state of mind, things have been pretty quiet.

So everything has changed and nothing has, some things are calmer, not as many question marks now as before.

It’s the calm before the storm that I never liked, really I do believe that I thrive on the chaos and constant action that life can bring, even if I bitch about my choices at times.

With any luck things will settle down in a normal pattern without any surprises and I can get back to focusing on what needs to be done and get busy doing it.

I can’t honestly say I am looking forward to three or four months of dark winter boredom, but if that is the price that has to be paid so be it. Might give me a chance to catch up on my reading, I have a few projects that I have been keeping for a rainy day, so maybe it’s time to pull those out of the mental closet and tinker away. I feel that part of me had been preparing for a moment in time just like this one, when I think of all the things that need to be done, the list comes to mind with ease.

My brother and his wife are about to have their first baby, so that is pretty exciting for the family. It will give my brother a chance to soften up a bit and I think it will bring him and his wife closer to my parents. I was there for Christmas and it was great to see them as a family and enjoying each other without any tension. It did make me see that I no longer really belong, family or no. I just don’t have a place there anymore and if I think about it I doubt I have for a very long time.

Not much else to write about, just the calm before the storm feeling seemed pretty strong tonight, so a little mental house keeping and take some time to find the Zen state of mind I know I am gonna need.

Ghost.

Control

My life is simple, my food is plain, and my quarters are uncluttered. In all things, I have sought clarity. I face the troubles and problems of life and death willingly. Virtue, integrity and courage are my priorities. I can be approached, but never pushed; befriended but never coerced; killed but never shamed.
- Yi Sunshin, Last letter to an old friend.

For a number of days now I am been laboring under a misguided notion of trying to evade or manipulate the slings and arrows that life so lovingly offers up.

I believed that if I could control or some how limit the temptations in my life, that I could somehow escape any misfortune and move towards my goals without fear of failure or loss of focus.

If I removed everyone from my life then I felt that I could conserve my own personal strength for any trial that may lay ahead.

This was not the case, if anything it almost cost me something that I think that I could not bear to loose, something that I may have regretted for all my days.

Even loss and regret are things that need to be put aside, if the damage is done, nothing can change that and all I have is acceptance of the consequences of my cowardly actions.

Trying to control the ebb and flow of life felt very much like raging against the coming tide with nothing but force of will and calloused tired hands.

I doubt there is any thing like defeat to illustrate the futility of acting like a stubborn child lashing out against forces that he couldn’t begin to understand.

A rising sense of panic cause me to forget the very principles and structure that has allowed me to reach this place on my own personal journey.

Perhaps the coming journey and the darkness unknown struck deeper than I cared to admit. No matter the cause, no excuse can wipe away the blood I spilled. I attempted to deny my own nature and will pay the price in full, or to be more accurate the people who define me have paid.

Conviction, experience and will power are not enough to carry one through any road less traveled.

What ever the reasons, it has shaken me to my very core and left me struggling to recover the balance and serenity that has been the source of all my strength and compassion for so many years.

My sleep is troubled, my judgment clouded and I am far more unhappy than I have been for longer than I care to remember. I am quick to anger, harsh in my judgments and my patience all but disappeared.

I found myself destroying the very things that have given me the most joy, and my greatest sense of purpose, the very definition of my existence as I define it through my own eyes.

I was selfish and filled with a greed to achieve my owns goals without bowing my willful head and asking for aid should it be needed.

For the first time in years I am filled with a deep regret and sickening guilt for the pain I caused those that I love and those that loved me once.

There are no words to express my sorrow, no action to ease my conscience, or the wounds I caused, they will travel with me on the road ahead.

Ghost

Not the Blue Wire?

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

~Jules

At some point one has to take stock of one’s life and wonder just how the hell you got to where you are at that point in time.
This doesn’t always happen by choice, now and again these little moments can land in your lap like a little gift.

Those chaos fueled seconds where in the freeze frame stutter of clarity you look around and are reduced to your most basic elements as a human being.

Just remembering to shut your gaping mouth is a sweet thing. No one wants to look like a slack jawed yokel while they monkey stomp their life into an unrecognizable shape once again.

Just watching the most trivial detail consumes your every thought and you can do nothing but watch in awe as the pieces of your well ordered life, tumble, break and a achieve a terminal velocity all their own. Happy to be off on a little adventure all by themselves for at least a few moments.

There is a profound silence in that moment, that vacuum in which you can do nothing but wait for the back blast to come roaring home, the skyward debris comes falling in unyielding, ungraceful path back to ground zero.
Often ground zero being most generally ones head.

And the one repeating thought over and over again in your head?

“not the blue wire, not the blue wire, I was pretty fucking sure it wasn’t the blue wire, …..was it the blue wire?”

In my life I am so much better reacting to life and her little quirks than I am directing the show.

I have always been the salute ‘n shoot type, never cared much for tactics or long term strategies.

No one should have ever put me in charge of this road side attraction, never mind given me a set of wire cutters.

When faced with those inevitable life choices I hum ‘n haw, weigh and ponder and ever so carefully.. cut the fucking blue wire.

The upside to the wide scale destruction and embarrassment is the general house cleaning that occurs as one picks up the blacken bits and pieces.

Unfortunately I spilled coffee on the manual that came with my life and the only words I can read now are printed in Farsi.

I always end up with extra screws and an odd shaped piece that looks it might have some value, but for the life of my I can’t remember what it might be. Don’t forget the copious lengths of blue wire and the number 42 printed on ever 3^rd page. 42 what?!

I just can’t believe that I am completely unable to find a happy balance between a low key monastic life style and a Gomer Pile hopped up on goof balls 3 ring circus routine that comes complete with unlimited amounts of 30 second bombs, quaintly called life's decisions.

Resplendent in their red flashing numbers, incessant beeping, and the ever present blue wires.

A brillant man once wrote these words and I find that they are apt indeed.

Anything that happens, happens. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though.


Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), Mostly Harmless

Ghost.

Wile E Coyote is my hero

Here I sit between my brother the mountain and my
sister the sea. We three are one in loneliness, and the
love that binds us together is deep and strong and strange.
~Kahlil Gibran

I have been staring at the blank page of my blog for over two weeks now and nothing has come to mind.

So be it, might as well just start writing and see what my fingers find.

Most of my energy has been focused else where in the last two weeks. Mostly in dealing with actions made with the best intentions that had poor outcomes.

One would think that after so many years that I might have mastered the art of human interaction, but it’s just not the case. I am as bad at it as I ever was.

No matter how chaotic the last few weeks have been the original goal of cutting all ties romantic and other wise has been met.

I had hoped this would enable me to focus on my own life and goals and avoid the entanglements that define my life on a daily basis.
I think time will be the best judge of that.

So often in the last few weeks the question was put to me, “why cut everyone out of your life?”

Hard to explain really, I have avoided my own future and to some extent my own life in the past few years, and now I have a purpose and a destination in mind. If I loose focus I may avoid following through on that goal.

The fear of the unknown doesn’t hold much weight with me, but after so long in one place, I fear I lack the courage to embrace the trials of the traveling road again.

I feel that if I can strip my life down the most basic elements for these last few months here I won’t be tempted or forced into changing my plans.

Well the best laid plans of mine and men, and it seems I am not immune to Karma’s bitter sweet humor.

After side stepping one temptation with all the grace and poise of a car bomb, I walk right into another so hard and fast that if it was a plate glass window I would have made it ring like morning’s temple bell.

Have you ever fallen from a great height?
And in the moment when time stands still, the world sways, holds its breath and then gives you over to gravities embrace with all the compassion of a 2 dollar whore leaving a cheap hotel room crawling with sick pink neon.

In that moment you falsely believe that sheer will power will hold you in the Wile E Coyote moment of faith suspended animation. Then gravity looks your way and demands to know just what the hell is taking so long.

The arms begin to windmill in a motion we used to call rolling up the windows.
Eyes widen, air gets sucked in, and in slow motion over you go.
Indignation, panic, and a rising sense of disappointment at your obvious lack of will power, all tumbling down, down, one big happy family.
In these moments of clarity I always have the sneaking suspicion something is laughing at me just out of ear shot.

There are worse things that can happen in the world to a man, so I am not complaining, just lamenting a tiny little bit that life’s timing could perhaps just be a bit better, but so be it, everything is in motion and the clock is ticking.
How bad can it get?

The road is always going to be there, and that fact alone gives me hope.

Ghost.

A Ghostdog Works

THE WINDOW

Why do you stand by the window
abandoned to beauty and pride?
the thorn of the night in your bosom,
the spear of age in your side;
lost in the rages of fragrance,
lost in the rags of remorse,
lost in the waves of a sickness
that loosens the high silver nerves.

O chosen love, O frozen love
O tangle of matter and ghost.
O darling of angels, demons and saints
and the whole broken-hearted host -
Gentle this soul.

Come forth from the cloud of unknowing
and kiss the cheek of the moon;
the code of solitude broken,
why tarry confused and alone?
And leave no word of discomfort,
and leave no observer to mourn,
but climb on your tears and be silent
like the rose on its ladder of thorn.
Then lay your rose on the fire;
the fire give up to the sun;
the sun give over to splendour
in the arms of the High Holy One;
for the High Holy One dreams of a letter,
dreams of a letter's death -
oh bless the continuous stutter
of the word being made into flesh.

Leonard Cohen.


This is the first day of the project,
another step on the Journey.
On the advice of a wise man I have decided to record as much of my
observations and thoughts as I am able.